I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
