Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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