Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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