she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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