I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
