Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
