I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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