dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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