I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
