Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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