just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
