Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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