just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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