I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize