I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
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