a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
