So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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