you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
