I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
