in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
