im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
