Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
