god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
