I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
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