I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
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