Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
