make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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