I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
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