My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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