I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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