I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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