please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
i wish my penis had a tongue
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
