Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
i think i have two assholes
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
