He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
