I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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