Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I wear drunk well.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
