you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
