overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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