I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize
