one word: firstdatebathroomanal
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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