@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
