Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
