I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
