I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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