Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
He felt like a one man threesome
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
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