She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
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