the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
