yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Randomize
