He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Randomize
