ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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