I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Let's paint friendship bongs
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
