What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
