i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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