Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
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