true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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