Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize