So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
