toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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