I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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